Have you ever noticed you can go months and months, feeling like no one is there and you just aren’t receiving the messages you need to hear? And then, suddenly, the universe opens up and you are surrounded by all the right people who have all the right things to say at just the right moment. What is that about? Am I finally actually listening? Was I withholding things someone else to needed to hear while I was selfishly awaiting my own message? Divine timing?
Sometimes I feel like we think we’re ready to hear a word, when deep down we really aren’t ready to hear the truth. Sometimes knowing is harder than not knowing. Have you ever felt that? You receive a message so powerful that it stops you in your tracks and you have this major light bulb moment that resonates with your soul and you think “ahhhh there it is”, but after you’ve sat with it for a minute you think “shit! This turns everything upside down. I have to actually act on this. I can’t just receive. I need to set things in motion”. Knowledge without action is just useless drivel floating around in our brains. The power comes in taking that information and actually DOING something with it. Something good. Something powerful. Something incredible. Something amazing. Something terrifying and life altering. The feeling in your bones when you know something good is about to happen, but also the realization that with the good comes the bad, and you have some obstacles you’re going to have to endure and overcome before you get to walk through to the other side.
This past week has been one of the most amazing, eye opening, incredible experiences of my life. Messages coming from numerous sources, confirmations, questions being answered, lots of introspection and focusing a little more on big picture rather than all the little details I can become so easily consumed by.
Last week I hit a pretty low point. I am an enneagram 6, and for those of you that don’t know what that means – in the context of what I am discussing right now, I highly value loyalty, honesty and security. I value giving that to others as well as receiving it in return. There has been an ongoing situation in my life that has caused much heartache (and not just for myself) for the past several years. It’s taken a toll on my physical, mental and spiritual health – and I know I’m not alone in that and my experiences are in no way meant to take away from anyone else’s feelings or experiences. I take responsibility for the role I played in things. I certainly said some things, out of hurt and anger, that I truly regret and was not true to the person I am. I’m not proud of the way I let some things get to me and I certainly could’ve done some things different and, given the chance, I definitely would. That being said, while I do take accountability for that, I also struggle with the things that were said and done to/about me that were 100% untrue and unfounded. I know there was hurt that occurred, a lot of which really had nothing to do with me, but there was nothing I did to cause anyone the things I was unjustly accused of. And, through all of this, I haven’t had a single person who has had my back beyond my children. Not only that, not one single person (not even those I considered to be good friends) bothered to come to me to hear my side of the story, ask questions or try to get to the bottom of things. Others were believed over me and while I know I have no control over what other people think, feel or do, it’s still extremely painful. I am still deeply disappointed and hurt over this, despite my best efforts to heal and move forward. There have been moments over the past few years that I’ve been able to stuff that pain down and ignore it and not give it the attention I knew it deserved – it was too painful and nothing I said or did in an attempt to make amends seemed to do any good. In fact, it usually made things worse. Even so, now and then the pain would rear its ugly head at the most unsuspecting times and hit me like a ton of bricks. Plans I had that were no longer going to happen, dreams for the future, wishes for things to be a certain way.
Back to the weekend: I felt like I had recently been dealing with things pretty well and was remaining focused on the only thing I could change - my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I would speak even though I wouldn’t be spoken to, wave, smile, acknowledge – not expecting anything in return. Then something happened a week ago today that made me realize that deep down I WAS expecting something. The hurt and disappointment creeps in when we have an expectation that is not met. Deep down I truly thought if I made every effort possible to remain positive and continue with these small gestures it would be returned in some way. When you do something only to be ignored and treated as if you don’t exist or matter, it’s hard (at least for me) not to let that totally ruin you. Especially when it comes from someone you admired and considered to be a friend and now, based on untruths you were never even asked about, you are treated as nothing. Actually, worse than nothing. And worse still is the pain of watching your children being treated the same way. I don’t know what the answer is other than to keep praying and doing what I am doing. All that to say I was having a really rough time with not being ok about what other people think of me and being hurt and frustrated that no one ever defended me, no one ever stood up and said a word – even people that knew the truth. Instead, it was nothing but silence to avoid making the situation worse. But for me, that was the worst it could get.
Then, suddenly, this week uplifted my soul in ways I never could have imagined. Unlikely sources, people I haven’t spoken with in years sending encouragement and telling me how special I was to them, messages to encourage me to do things I’ve said for years I was going to do, people responding to various posts and reaching out for connection. So much has happened this week and I’m just doing my best to soak it all in and receive and appreciate every message. Only one of these sources knows about the struggle I’m talking about – the others have no idea what has been going on, nor did they have any idea how much their words would impact me at this very moment. As much as I want to bask in that, I’ve also been very conscientious of sending it back out there and making a genuine effort to pay it forward to others. I’ve noticed that when I focus a little less on self, and a little more on others it comes back tenfold. That’s really what has happened this week. Even though I felt so down, I decided to make an effort to randomly reach out to people and just say “hey, you matter to me. You’re loved. You’re important. Your existence is noticed.” It seems like such a simple thing, but I really struggle with being vulnerable and sharing with others so this was a huge step for me that was obviously returned and overflowed my love tank. I appreciate everyone in my life, whatever capacity you were meant to serve. Good or bad. Love or lesson. Thank you. Please remember to be kind. Love one another. We never know what someone else is going through or how much a simple remark could change their current trajectory. Let’s learn to start believing the best about others, instead of the worst. Don’t judge. If you don’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, question it or let it roll right on off. Remember that the same things you are being told about someone could very well be the same things that person goes and tells someone else about you. Let’s heal our hurts and stop bleeding on others. Focus our energy on the positives, the good things we have in our life, and spend less time complaining and giving attention to the negatives.
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