Reflection

I’ve taken some time to reflect upon my first blog post. I really wanted to get to the heart of my truth – WHY does this situation bother me so much? Why has it caused me so much pain, anguish and heartache? Why have I not been able to just forget about what happened and move on? I truly believe there are many reasons, but the primary reason is tied to an even bigger, older wound that was triggered by this newer experience. I went through some things in my childhood that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. As an adult, one of the things that I keep revisiting from that trauma was the fact that I didn’t feel safe, protected or secure. I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of love. (These things are very important to all of us but, if you remember from my last post, it is especially to those who are an enneagram 6. If you aren’t sure what the enneagram is, what your number is and how it applies to you, as well as your relationships I would like to share some resources with you. www.WEPSS.com is my very favorite place to take the test, and I’ve taken a few. I went to a seminar with Dr. Wagner and I’m convinced this is the place to start. There is a $10 fee, but the information I gained was invaluable. I also recommend the book, The Road Back to You – An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery by Ian Morgan Cron, Suzanne Stabile.) In addition to the confusion brought on by a lack of security, I didn’t feel like anyone was interested in standing up to put an end to things or speaking out on my behalf. Those feelings are the same exact feelings I still feel about both situations, past and present. I was capable of overcoming trauma as a young child, just as I am capable of overcoming trauma as an adult, but there is a deep longing for truth being brought to light and those I love most standing up to say, “This isn’t right!” I was never allowed to feel that my feelings as a child were justified, it was never even really talked about and this current situation mirrors that same sentiment. Same pain, different sources. I am able to recognize that healing needs to occur in both situations. As badly as I want the “right thing” to be done, I’m probably not going to experience that. I also know, what I deserve. I deserve to have my pain acknowledged. I deserve to be supported and protected. I deserve for people to know how I feel, how I was hurt and that it won’t be tolerated. I deserve to be loved fully and wholly. I am worthy of that. I always have been.